Time

So, I've been very, very busy. No, not like work busy or running around busy - although I have been hitting a lot of meetings lately. A few more than usual. That was to counteract the idea that I don't fit in anywhere. That usually works pretty well. I did have one experience since my last post where a meeting didn't really work in that instance. Had a guy at a meeting tell me I didn't look like a lesbian. What?! I forgot to don the uniform? It's a requirement? I mostly blew it off. He only has a year. Stupid things can come out of people's mouths. Besides, it's not really his business, now, is it? So, I moved on from there...well, I did think it was important enough to mention...so let's say, I was in a fragile state but I am moving on from there. I could have said you don't look gay but I have some control over my tongue now. Some.

Anyway, I realized lately how long things actually take to work out, process, whatever you want to call it. I may have mentioned an issue I had with the sponsor I had for eight years (and I may not have). It was one of the worst experiences of my life. She told me that my lifestyle choice was not normal and it was going to get me drunk. I should just find a nice guy. It was not said as calmly as it is read here. It was said in a tirade in which she threw at me everything that was in my 5th step. (That's where you tell your Higher Power and another human being *the exact nature of your wrongs*.) Ypou know, the people you hurt, all the dishonest crap, everything that stands between you and *may the past be clean behind me* kind of stuff. Well, fuck man, I wanted to get sober and stay that way, so I told her all the stuff that was written in my 4th step. (mostly the same stuff, but this is where you fighure out who, what, why, and get an idea of who will be in your 8th and 9th steps. harms and amends) So, there it was. All that stuff being brought up and used against me. I had made my amends long before. I was eight years sober at the time she did this. I had learned to listen to what she had to say. For the most part, even when I didn't want to hear it, it was what I needed to hear. So, I sat and listened to this and I let is wash over me in waves and sink into my bones. I didn't realize this at the time. I was far too shocked. But, sink in it did. Even though I stopped talking to her and stopped going to meetings the damage was already done. Words can be so damaging. I was hurt and angry which I knew at the time. But, what I did not realize until just recently was just how deeply her words had penetrated my soul. After the hurt and anger, and before the grief, I just went numb. I had lost my support system. I think numb was probably the best choice for survival. I stayed sober to *show her* that it could be done. She made amends a few years later saying she was out of line. And I thought all was well. But no, a couple of years ago, I was walking down West Carson Street, a *crunchy, granola section of Pittsburgh and found myself thinking about all the bars that were new, that I has never been in and thinking maybe I jusmped the gun on this whole being an alcoholic thing (this was 14 years sober) so, I thought it might be a good idea to find a meeting. So I did. The only *alternative* meeting on my side of town and started going regularly. I liked the people there and they were friendly and all and so I made it my home group. Well, shortly after that, I find that my old sponsor (yep, that one) and her husband go to this meeting regularly. They had been up in the mountains for the Summer. WHY ARE THEY AT AN ALTERNATIVE MEETING??? Well, it would seem that they are so obnoxious that it is the only meeting where people will be tolerant of them...up to a point. So, I had to decide if I run away because they are there or stay because I like the rest of the people. It took me years to realize just how hard it is for me to stay there. I do go to other meetings. I have a new support system which does not include them. Yet, her very presence was enough to bring everything back. And I realized that I was so hurt that I froze the process befor it was finished. It was just too painful. Another eight years down the road and I have to finish this or shut it down again. Well, I didn't feel like it bit me in the ass or anything, it flet very organic and it seemed like the time was right to finish this. So, that's what I've been doing. Time. It was probably the best way this could have happened. Eight years later. It seems so crazy that it took eight years, but time is like that. And you'll know when it's time.